Ahhhhh, so warm weather has finally graced us with her divine presence. Suddenly, shoes are tossed aside for sandals and flip-flops, windows and doors are thrown open to let the cool breeze in, and tops go down on cars as fast as the radio is turned up to the new hit songs of the summer.
But to the single and horny, the most important part of the season that summer brings is clothes...or should I say, lack of clothes. That's right, ugly sweaters and unfashionable turtleknecks are turned in for spaghetti-strings and mini-skirts.
Oh, and let us not forget the short shorts.
While spring may be well reknowned for being the season of love, we are all most certainly well-adjusted enough to society to know that the truth is, warm weather is the instigator of lust. When we see tan skin and toned, curvy bodies covered in glistening sweat heightened by the rays of the sun, we want sex. And we want it now.
And thus, the topic to yet another meaningless post is upon us. Sex season is here, and we must take full advantage of it. And we must do all we can to help ourselves to achieving the highest amount of sex available.
It's a good thing you came to visit blue goomba, lust-seeker. For you, I have one of the keys to assuring that you wake up to the sunrise with another pair of eyes.
It has been said that the way to a man's heart is through his stomach. But what is the way to a woman's heart?
Now now, Chris, let's not get love confused with sex
True, but for a woman, sex is parallel to passion, and passion is found in the heart.
And to infuse this passion in a woman, we must find a tool, the best tool, to kindle the fire inside, so that the night will not go to waste and summer's sun will not set on our idle lives.
It is in music that we find the answer to the riddle before us, because just as in a woman, at the heart of music also lies passion.
So here I have for you, the top 10 songs to ensure your night ends in orgasmic pleasure. This idea is best applied by nonchalantly getting out your guitar and slowly finding your way into playing one of these songs not just for the girl, but to the girl, gazing in her eyes the whole way through. But for the not-so musically gifted, do not fret, for all you need is a CD, and the effect is the same; sex, sex, sex.
And so, without further ado, here are your top 10 songs of sex:
10. Freshmen ~Verve Pipe Despite the serious nature of this song, girls hearts still break worlwide when the first few guitar notes are fingerpicked. Playing this song will appeal in that it makes you "sensitive". Call them a one-hit wonder, call them no-talent ass clowns...they still churned out quite the heartbreaker with this one.
9. Heaven ~Bryan Adams Although maybe not the most well-known song on the list, when Bryan's scratchy, love-sick voice sails through this song, your girl will certainly swoon to these lyrics:
Baby you're all that I want When you're lyin' here in my arms I'm findin' it hard to believe We're in heaven
C'mon now, with sappy, generic lyrics like that, even the biggest nerd can find himself getting lucky with a night accompanied with this song.
8. True ~Ryan Cabrera Although new to the "I make songs to get into girl's pants" genre, Ryan shows us much promise with this heartfelt hit. As soon as his falsetto floats in the chorus, that's your cue to make the move.
7. Name ~Goo Goo Dolls Starting out as a hardcore punk band, the Goo released this single in the 90's and had such success, they realized that if they made more songs like this, not only would they make more money, but they would get more girls at their concerts! Even though this one reeks of sellout, it still gets the job done.
6. I'll Be ~Edwin McCain If you happen to find yourself with a cowgirl, then this crooner has just the song to get you in bed ASAP. With a hint of country twang, and lyrics that make even the stone-hearted teary, and you might even recognize it as that stupid song you didn't want to dance to at your senior prom!
5. Collide ~Howie Day The newest song to the scene, Collide is the perfect example of how to get passionate in a song: beautiful lyrics, a haunting voice, a catchy melody, and of course...The London Symphony Orchestra. Violins and cellos are sexy instruments, my friend.
4. Hands Down ~Dashboard Confessional Responsible for bringing the emo scene into the national spotlight, Dashboard is famous for two things: no singing talent and stealing AC/DC's logo. Still, being the king of emo is a big deal, and every girl loves a song about the perfect date with the perfect ending...
3. Your Body is a Wonderland ~John Mayer Despite being the ugliest motherfucker to ever write a love song, John Mayer defies all odds and has millions of women defending him as "handsome" and "sexy". How did he do it??? With this little ditty right here about having sex with some girl he met at his concert in Ohio. Or wait, was it California? No...maybe it was that girl in Alabama...man, was she a looker...
2. Crash ~Dave Matthews Band Utilized by frat boys on every college campus, this is the jam band's take on a love song. You know it's a good song when it's all about being a horny pervert and yet every girl who hears it thinks it is the sweetest song ever written. Use it wisely, my friends.
1. Let's Get it On ~Marvin Gaye Do I need to even explain this one? No...no I don't. Just play the damn song and you'll get laid. Period.
And so, boys and girls, there you have it. Ten songs guaranteed to fill your little heart's desire. I swear to you, play one of these songs, and you have a 99% chance of getting it on, as Mr. Gaye so succinctly put it.
And what about that 1% chance, Chris???
Well...sometimes it just doesn't happen...
But at least you'll get to spoon!!!
pleasantly brought
to you by Anonymous Monday, May 23, 2005 @
10:27 PM
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